Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? "
He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
I took the wife to a disco last night.....
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"
A nights work...
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.
She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I’ve got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the sex worker slowly. "Paint...my....house."
My graphing calculator works really well...
Some would say it functions perfectly.
The people that work at my bank are so nice!
Every time they call, they say my loans are outstanding!
When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage.
I do not want unlucky people working in our company
A doctor and an archeologist start flirting
After a while of the doctor asks:
-“What do you do for a living”
-“Im an archeologist” she answers
The doctor responds:
-“Then I guess this isnt going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people”
If your crush is single...
It is 1v20
If she is taken...
It is 1v1
Work smarter not harder
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin
It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they settled into their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”
The worst part about working at the unemployment office?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked. He asks, "honey, why are you standing there looking at yourself naked?"
She responds, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 35 year old"
Her husband responds, "hmmm...did he say anything about your 60 year old ass?"
She answered, "No actually we didn't talk about you at all"
I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English
My son.
Nope, still useless.
They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"
They are darn right,
that field isn't hiring!
Why do ghosts hate working out?
Because they have to exorcise
Woman has a sore throat and asks for help
So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.
The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"
The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.
Coworker asks "Did it work"
Woman says "Yes! And your husband couldn't believe that this was your idea!".
Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter.
I will not be coming into work today.
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"
"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work."
"Why not?"
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
What did the constipated mathematician do?
He worked it out with a pencil.
I went for a job interview today to work for a blacksmith
He asked if I had any experience in shoeing a horse?
I said ”No! But I once told a donkey to fuck off!”
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”
An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.
While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.
When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful.
"Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."
A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...
A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.
The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right breast once, sound good?”. The husband agrees, and picks up the pen, “If you want to have sex with me, pull my dick once, if you don’t want to have sex with me pull my dick 1,345 times, sound good?”.
