You jokes

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

A slow swimmer.

I used to have a Spanish girlfriend called Nada

She meant nothing to me

A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions: "Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?" "Yeah, it's on 3rd street." "What, right next to the brothel?" "What? No! The brothel is on 17th street." "Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

Make the little things count

Teach math to midgets

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

Why is Tigger so dirty?

Because he plays with Pooh

Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Patient Why?

Jew problems

An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"

The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

A Seventh Grade Health Class

was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"

My wife recently got a seashell tattooed on her thigh.

When you put your ear close to it, you can really smell the ocean.

A man just got a car for his wife.

Now, thats what you call a fair trade.

I asked my Roman friend for a high five

Got HIV instead

Why are women so bad at backing up their vehicles?

Because we're constantly lied to about how long 6 inches is.

Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"

Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"

A hole

There's a hole in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

Fun fact

Before the invention of the crow bar most crows got drunk at home