You jokes

I love whiteboards

They're remarkable.

My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.

Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

Why does Gordon Ramsay hate unprotected sex?

It's fucking raw

I had sex with my girlfriend and it was just like in the movies...

I was fast and she was furious

The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall

but they’ll get over it.

My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.

Grandma's taking it pretty hard.

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."

She told me, "We can't do that!"

I told her, "Well you did it last week!"

- Henny Youngman

I lost 50 pounds once

sadly I was in England at the time.

Last night, I was laying in my bed, looking up the stars as I thought to my self..

Where the fuck is my roof??

The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.

I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."

*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*

Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT

Now it's just going to be called the T.

I had a job interview yesterday, I poured myself a glass of water and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%."

Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.

My grandpop always used to say "The first rule of theater is to always leave them wanting more"...

...great man. Terrible anesthesiologist.

50 shades of grey

\#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676

Why does moon rock taste better than earth rock?

It's a little meteor.

Why do ghosts hate working out?

Because they have to exorcise