You jokes

What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing “I'm a Believer”...

Then I saw her face...

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy.

He said, “Fuck off. Get your own.”

Whats the difference between a cooked sweet potato and a flying pig

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

I am transfinancial

I am a rich guy trapped in the body of a poor guy

What’s considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?

Manipulating the stock market

To those who say "alcohol is not the solution":

Alcohol is a solvent. By definition, it's part of the solution.

LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

What did Medusa tell the perv before she turned him into stone?

My eyes are up here

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells, “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?”

Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”;

Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier and says: “Who were YOU thinking about?”.

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

Do you know why they always called him Lord Vader?

Because when they tried Master Vader it made all the stormtroopers giggle.

A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar

They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.

The bartender says "that'll be 2020"

What's the volume of a pizza with a radius of z and a thickness of a?

Pi * z * z * a

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846. JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860. JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.

--- Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "those are just contractions."

Some people are like Slinkies.

Not really good for anything, but they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.