You jokes

Dj Khaled is like a Pokemon

All he does is shout his name

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."

Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: "OH. MY. GODDD !!!!"

A joke I translated from Russian

A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Robin Hood then stabs the pauper with his sword,

"I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

A blonde walks into a library

and says to the librarian,"I'll have a cheese burger." the librarian replies softly says,"Sweety, this is a library." the blonde whispers,"Oh. Sorry, I'll have a cheese burger."

What is the capital of Greece?

About 10 dollars.

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.

My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

What's Harry Potter's favourite way of getting down a hill?

Walking.

...

JK Rolling.

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he is dead.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side

Programming jokes are fun...

... but only when executed properly.

What did the gingerbread man say when he orgasmed?

IM CRUMBING!!!!

A turkey was about to cross the road...

when a chicken appeared and said "dont do that that, you will never hear the end of it"

As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...

Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”

A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar exam starts in one minute".

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway.

A clown, a politian and a sex offender walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.