You jokes

So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds.

That's awfully cheap for a human baby.

Australians don't have sex...

Australians mate.

My boss calls me "the computer".

Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...

but then I changed my mind.

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.

If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

My roommate is gay

There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.

Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."

Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"

Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

I asked my dog what two minus two was...

He said nothing

What do you call a German barber?

Herr Kutz

(This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?”

He spat on me and told me it’s raining

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

Did you hear about the dog that can get a ball from over a mile away?

Seems a little far fetched to me.

Why don’t ants get Covid?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies.

Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?...

... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.

You know what jokes are trendy these days ?

Inside jokes.

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

I can't see a thing with all this shit in here.