You jokes

Two monkeys entered a bath.

Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah

Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot

Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist.

It's called Facebook.

My friend just told me a long boring story about an incestuous relationship.

It was such an auntie climax.

Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway

The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"

Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."

The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"

• ⁠

Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."

A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him, that's the last thing I need.

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire!

How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

The Rodeo...

So two cowboys are talking about sex and the various positions when one of them mentions "the Rodeo."

So the second cowboy says to him, "I didn't know the Rodeo was a sex position. How do you do that one?"

The first cowboy explains. "So what you do is you penetrate your girl from behind. Then you reach around and grab her boobs, lean over, and whisper in her ear, 'These are almost as big as your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

I signed up for Binary 101 this semester and I’m failing in all the exams.

Turns out it is a level 5 course.

I hosted a terrible orgy last weekend

Nobody came

Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..

Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

Yay got a PS5 for my kid.

She cried a bit when I left but I'm sure her new parents will love her.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

Never combine a cat with an apostrophe.

It’ll be a catastrophe.

What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

Flush

I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.

A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having

Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”

My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know

I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.

The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal

Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom

A: Arrest-room