You jokes

How do you surprise a blind man?

You leave the plunger in the toilet.

I think my wife is cheating on me with an undertaker.

I could swear she was wearing clothes when she died.

Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Jeffrey Dahmer

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels

I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

Is the ocean salty because...

the land doesn't wave back?

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

Why is a woman's orgasm so much different from a man's?

Because her O varies.

You know what they say. Big hands, big feet...

Two outta three ain't bad!

“Give it to me straight doc, how long do I have left?”

“Ten.”

“Ten what?”

“Nine”

I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn’t reach the meat that was on the top shelf

He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.

A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs

She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'

During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas'

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt.

The bartender asks, “What can I get for ya?”

The man says, “A beer for me, and another for the road.”

TIL that "Call of Duty" has a different name in the Middle-East

They call it "The Sims"

Me as a server in a restaurant: "Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?"

Guest says yes, so I start to put on my gloves

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

I watched a documentary on LSD the other day.

I think all documentaries should be watched that way.