Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.
She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"
Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"
Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.
He asks the driver whats wrong.
Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"
I pulled a muscle digging for gold.
It was just a miner injury.
Washing Machine
Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”
A man walks into a bar with a gun
And shouts, "Who the hell fucked my wife?!" A man in the back replied "You haven't got enough bullets mate!"
I gave my seat up to a blind person on a bus
And that is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?"
The patient said "Yes I'm ready"
The dentist said "I slept with your wife"
How do you surprise a blind man?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
I think my wife is cheating on me with an undertaker.
I could swear she was wearing clothes when she died.
Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
Jeffrey Dahmer
I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs.
It was Wong on so many levels
I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
Is the ocean salty because...
the land doesn't wave back?
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.
Why is a woman's orgasm so much different from a man's?
Because her O varies.
You know what they say. Big hands, big feet...
Two outta three ain't bad!
“Give it to me straight doc, how long do I have left?”
“Ten.”
“Ten what?”
“Nine”
I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn’t reach the meat that was on the top shelf
He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.
A woman's husband dies and gets cremated
She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"
One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs
She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'
During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas'