You jokes

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -

Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.

Well, tell him I can't see him right now.

My friend is convinced he has the biggest balls in the world

He's so egotestical.

Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.

He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.

He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that?”

The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my fucking asshole hurts like hell!”

What was the first form of digital storage?

gloves

Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!

It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days.

It's been 2 weeks and I'm still Asian.

What age were you when you realized you wanted to be a dancer?

I think I was around 5, 6, 7, 8

I had a deaf girlfriend once, she left me for a guy who was also deaf.

I should have seen the signs.

What's the difference between a raver and a chemist at a club?

One drops acid while the other drops the base.

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

Because she can't find the eleven.

What pronouns do Amber Heard’s lawyers prefer?

Hear/say

I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

A young naive couple get married NSFW

After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.

‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.

His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses.

A few minutes later the dad gets another call, but this time it’s the daughter in law and she’s hysterical

‘You gotta come here quick. Dave’s got his head stuck in the toilet!’

I hate French people

They give me the crepes

How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD?

It took the bus.

What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

Garbagemen never receive actual training

They just pick things up as they go