Bit

How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"

The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"

I was waiting for the green light at the crossing and saw an old woman walking with a little child...

The excited child was walking bit faster towards the crossing than the old lady. She then shouted, "Degree, wait for me!" I was so amazed to hear such an unusual name. So to satisfy my curiousity, I walked closer to the woman and asked; "Ma, why do u call your grand child Degree?" The woman laughed and said "I sent her mother to University for education and this is what she brought home instead."

Joe was standing in line at the bank...

... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.

The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".

In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you out.

The man looks at him and says: Yea? I'm a lawyer, you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me!

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.

‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”

I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay techniques....

I had to fast forward through all the boring bits in the beginning though.

The entire neighborhood got together to discuss what to do about that crazy guy on our street ...

... I'm a bit annoyed that I was the only one not invited.

My sister and girlfriend have the same name

I think its a bit disgusting when everytime we have sex I think about my girlfriend

Yay got a PS5 for my kid.

She cried a bit when I left but I'm sure her new parents will love her.

I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart

But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

If online bullying has taught us anything.....

It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight!!

How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD?

It took the bus.

The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?"

The patient said "Yes I'm ready"

The dentist said "I slept with your wife"

When a woman buys a vibrator it's seen as a bit of naughty fun

But when a guy orders a 240 volt fuckmaster pro 5000 latex doll with high speed pulsating pussy, elasticised anus with non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm sound system, he gets called a pervert.

So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet

He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh. - *My little brother told me this one; hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction

On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules

Taiwan:I am China

China:No I am China

Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan

China:No you are China

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.

"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"

"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"

"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"

"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"

The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"