Jokes

My dad can do all the same tricks that my dog can.

Except for stay.

Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...

He only had time to meet a handful of semen.

Why did Hitler storm off the golf course?

He quit after one shot in the bunker.

I'm 27, my BF is 37. Is 10 years too much of an age gap?

'cause his son is 17 and really hot.

What do sex and air have in common?

It's no big deal unless you aren't getting any.

Heard on the radio.

What does the "F" in Hong Kong stand for ?

Freedom

You: Bastard

Me: You just did

You: I’m not gonna do that

Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

What do you call a bunch of zombies dressed as Superheroes?

The Necro Comic-Con

If Joe Biden’s wife is called the first lady, what do we call his mother?

Joe mama.

A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,

his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she replies

"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"

"I ran out of lube this morning"

What’s worse than ants in your pants?...

Uncles

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

What kind of train is a ballerina?

A tutu train!

I thank my 7 year old for this and making me laugh at something so silly.

Today's a really good day...

10/10

A fish runs into a wall...

"Dam!"

I must admit that my sεxual desires have been getting out of hand,

but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realised I had hit rock bottom.

How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code!

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny.

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

2 Germans in a bar in London:

\- 2 Martinis, please.

\- Dry?

\- NEIN! ZWEI!