Jokes

I met this girl at a vegan restaurant she said she knew me.

But I never met herbivore

When i was younger i felt like a man trapped inside woman’s body.

Then i was born

Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late..

..April fools!"

I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English

My son.

Nope, still useless.

A little 5yo girl goes into a petshop

Hello, I want a little bunny

Worker: Sure, you want that small fluffy white one or the small puffy brown one?

Girl: I dont think my python cares...

2 guys were eating breakfast together

"Do you want some of my bacon?"

"No thanks I'm Jewish"

"Don't worry it's free"

I won the "most secretive guy in my office" award.

I can't tell you how much this means to me.

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

What do Asians do when they have an erection?

They vote

They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"

They are darn right, that field isn't hiring!

I love whiteboards

They're remarkable.

My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.

Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

Why does Gordon Ramsay hate unprotected sex?

It's fucking raw

I had sex with my girlfriend and it was just like in the movies...

I was fast and she was furious

The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall

but they’ll get over it.

My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.

Grandma's taking it pretty hard.

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."

She told me, "We can't do that!"

I told her, "Well you did it last week!"

- Henny Youngman

I lost 50 pounds once

sadly I was in England at the time.