Jokes

Geez, there's a lot of people on this Ashley Madison list...

It's a pretty bad state of affairs

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Give a man another fish and he will be, like, "fish, again?"

What did one lonely penis say to the other?

I just want to belong.

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

So I was at the Library today

.. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

Girls are evil...

(Saw this about 10 years ago)

If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:

Girls = time × money But: time = money So: Girls = money x money Which means: Girls = money^2

Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So: Money = sq.root(evil)

And now: Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2

Which means: Girls = Evil

At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years.

Ok, I'll be back in two years.

What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing “I'm a Believer”...

Then I saw her face...

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy.

He said, “Fuck off. Get your own.”

Whats the difference between a cooked sweet potato and a flying pig

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

I am transfinancial

I am a rich guy trapped in the body of a poor guy

What’s considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?

Manipulating the stock market

To those who say "alcohol is not the solution":

Alcohol is a solvent. By definition, it's part of the solution.