Jokes

What are a kidnapper’s favorite shoes?

White Vans

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello."

At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed...

A tire was talking to a hubcap after a roadtrip

The tire says "man I've had a long day." The hubcap replies "I feel you, are you exhausted?" And the tire says "no, that's the guy in the back, I'm just tired."

An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar

... and order a pint each. A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.

Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.

A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: “spit it out! Spit it out your little bastad”.

My friend explains what the symbols on a map mean.

He is a legend.

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.

He says “This is Amanda”. His dad jumps up “It’s a fucking what?”

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

A Girl was towelling her wet pussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until

the pussy cried "Meow" and ran away.

Moral Lessons

1. Be kind to Animals

2. Always keep your thoughts clean...

What is the most influential culture in the world?

Agriculture.

At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"

"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."

The mugger

Two guys are walking home from a bar when a mugger approaches them in an alley with a knife and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Husband: Well to be honest I never even knew that she sold flowers

Two ducks are having an affair.

hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.

“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

The other day I spotted an albino dalmatian

Least I could do for it

Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Wittle Wabbit

little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."