Tire

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.

Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? "

He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "

Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"

Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"

I got tired jogging in front of the car

So I ran behind it, but soon became exhausted.

A tire was talking to a hubcap after a roadtrip

The tire says "man I've had a long day." The hubcap replies "I feel you, are you exhausted?" And the tire says "no, that's the guy in the back, I'm just tired."

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours...

So they decided to call it a day

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.

‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road

They hold up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!" A passing driver yells, "You guys are crazy!" and shakes his head in disbelief as he speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires, and then a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge out of order' instead?"

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells, “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?”

Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”;

Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier and says: “Who were YOU thinking about?”.

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire!

I tired to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi”

Buying my girl an engagement ring was a lot like getting new tires for the truck..

Even though she looks the same, she rode much better afterwards.

I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

If you run behind a car you will get exhausted...

But if you run infront of a car you will get tired

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....

He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.

Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”

Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.

Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

What do you call a wheel that you wear?

A tire

My Wife was dying

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.

Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"

The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

You know what, as a Jew, I'm getting really tired of these Jewish jokes.

We need to stop giving them away for free and figure out a way to monetize them.

A Woody Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car

With Wooden Seats

Wooden Tires

And A Wooden Engine?

It Wooden't Start

Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.