Money

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

tattoo of a $100 bil

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

I bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav

Total waste of money, all it ever does it tell me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of coins at me

I get that you have more money than me, no need to rub it in

The mugger

Two guys are walking home from a bar when a mugger approaches them in an alley with a knife and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

Where does 007 invest his money?

Bonds. Stocks and bonds.

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

I just made money for the first time as a programmer

I sold my laptop

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

Girls are evil...

(Saw this about 10 years ago)

If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:

Girls = time × money But: time = money So: Girls = money x money Which means: Girls = money^2

Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So: Money = sq.root(evil)

And now: Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2

Which means: Girls = Evil

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

An English joke

American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all on top of Eifel tower.

American throws aload of money over the edge. "What did you do that for?" the others ask. "We have so much money in the states that I can afford to."

The Frenchman throws loads of bottles of wine over the top and says "we have so much wine here that I can throw as much as I like over,"

The pakistani looks at the Englishman and says "DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!"

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

All the proof you need.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

I tried to remarry my ex-wife

But she figured out I was only after my money

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.

The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.

The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.

The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.

They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.

If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I have ever had...

Does money even matter?

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high...

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.

She believes I’m just after my money.