A duck walks into a store
“Got any duct tape?”
The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”
The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”
“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.
A while later, the duck comes back with a hat and glasses. “Got any duct tape?”
“No, you stupid duck!!! And if you ask me again, I’ll staple your beak to the floor!”
The duck pauses.
“Got any staples?”
“Err... no...”
“Got any duct tape?”
Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...
It's called "The Salivation Army"
a fly stayed on pence's head for a couple of minutes at tonight's debate
at least the fly knew when his two minutes were up.
Four gents are on the golf course...
... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"
I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea
It was a dishonorable discharge
My penis was once in the Guiness Book of World Records
But the librarian made me take it out.
Erectile disfunction support group has been cancelled
Nobody could come
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
Mom: "How was school today, Noah?"
Noah: "It was awesome! Today we made explosives!"
Mom: "Very interesting. What will you do in school tomorrow?"
Noah: "What school?"
Romania: Hey Hungary!
Romania: Wanna hear a joke?
Hungary: Sure!
Romania: Transilvania.
Hungary: I don't get it.
Romania: You will never get it.
What does a Maple Leafs fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?
Turns off the Playstation and goes to bed.
Too soon?
I WON! I WON!
man comes rushing into his house, and yells to his wife:
"honey, pack your bags! i won the lottery!!"
the wife says:
"oh my god! what should i pack for, the mountains or the beach?!?"
the man replies:
"i don't care, just get the fuck out!"
Khakis
In most places, losing your khakis means you have no pants. In Boston, if you lose your khakis, you can't drive.
The head of KFC called the Pope
He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 10 million.
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 100 million.
The Pope said, "You have a deal!"
The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”
“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”
“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
did you know light travels faster than sound?
That's why people look bright until they talk
My favourite joke ever
So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.
I needed to go to the optometrist the other day, guess who I bumped into?
Everyone
Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?
i have no shame.
Only 2010's kids will get this...
Measles
