Jokes

I named my first dog "What".

Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."

Why do gay people smile so much?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

"So did you hear Bruce Willis passed away?"

"Really? How?"

"Suicide. Overdosed on Viagra and Cialis."

"That's terrible!"

"Well, he always wanted to Die Hard."

What's the difference between a hipster and a homeless man?

An Instagram account.

They said that my dad was gay.

Now I am trying to figure out which one.

Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily im in the other 5%

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

IKEA Lesbian beds

Now on sale at IKEA –Lesbian beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.

People who have Only Fans,

What is stopping you from upgrading to an Air Conditioner?

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

I used to hate Nihilist humor...

but nothing is funny to me now.

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*

His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with two people is called a twosome...

then I know why people call you handsome.

Dads are like boomerangs..

..I hope.

How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on. Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses? Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

Why do people consistently make bad chemistry jokes?

Because all the good ones Argon.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos

If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked...

...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.

I was walking in the park...

..and I saw a beautiful girl. I went up to her, spark flew, she fell at my feet and before I knew it we were having sex.

God do I love my new taser.

Coffee

When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.

Really? I have the exact opposite.

Wow, seriously?

Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.