An old man is lying on his death bed...
... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."
My wife recently got a seashell tattooed on her thigh.
When you put your ear close to it, you can really smell the ocean.
My friends and family swear I’m addicted to cocaine, but I’m not.
I just like the smell.
So my 6yo tells me a joke
What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me something smells!
I love the smell of my F5 key.
It's so refreshing.
What's the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed across the room, that means its good.
An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.
While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks. When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful. "Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."
What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon?
Kermit the frog's finger.
I was just fired today, simply for telling my co-worker that her hair smelled nice.
I think they are discriminating against me for being a midget.
I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.
If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.
What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They both can smell it but can't eat it.
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.
A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Excuse me, can I smell your pussy ?
A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?” “Certainly not!” she replies “It must be your feet then.” says the man
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I’m sure most kids smell that way.
I like the smell of mothballs.
But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses." -
A man and his wife went fishing one day. As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.
The wife said, "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."
The husband said, "Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your panties."
The wife said, "And what about the smell???"
The husband replied, "Just block the fish's nose...."
When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.
Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward
Oh deer...
One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.
Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for dinner...
Son - "mmmm smells good ma., what is it?"
Wife - "I'll give you a hint. It's what I call your father all the time."
Daughter - "SPIT IT OUT BILLY., IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!"
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue Paint
Fuck, I’m bored
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."
A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"
The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.
10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.
The doctor calmly said : "great, now that we fixed your nose it's time to tackle that farting thing".
An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..
He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke. When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"