A man went to confess to the priest
"Father, I've stolen someone's dog. But I don't want it now. Can I give it to you?"
"No, son, I don't want it. You should return the dog to the owner."
"I did. But he said he doesn't want it."
"Well...Then I think you should keep the dog."
That night, the priest went back home and found his precious dog stolen.
(Translated from Chinese)
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit. Thanks for checking it out!
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!
I haven't had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
I wish my Dad was the Terminator...
...because then he'd come back.
My girlfriend really wants me to quit my job. She says that it is cruel that we do product testing on animals.
We’ve argued back and forth for months, and it is a very tough decision for me since I don’t have a formal education. Every day I come home from work, she becomes more and more distant. I also just got a 20% raise, and will finally be able to give my future family the life they deserve. Last night she gave me an ultimatum, her or my job.
What should I do? I love my girlfriend, but I also love my job at the hammer factory.
Trump and Putin are sitting in Putin's office discussing how powerful they are.
Putin says "Watch this." He picks up the phone and says something in Russian.
A beautiful woman walks in the room, kneels in front of Putin and begins giving him a blow job.
Minutes pass, and Putin finishes. He gives the woman a tap on the head, and she stands up and walks out of the room.
Looking back at Trump, Putin asks "Do you want to try?"
Trump replies "Yeah, but please dont tap me on the head when you're done."
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky
Two blondes are on either sides of a river.
The 1st blonde yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side?!".
The 2nd blonde thinks for a moment and then yells back, "You're already on the other side!"