Back jokes

Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here." The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

where do babies come from

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said

I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said,

"Well, show me your pocket than."

"What for?" I asked

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

I made the Earth move for the last girl I had sex with.

And then I moved it back to the hole I had buried her in.

Some say that we should bring back corporal punishment in schools.

I say we just shoot the little bastards like they do in America.

A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.

It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in

“Sir! Sir! The Russians...”

The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?”

The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!”

The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?”

“No, just one.”

The scientist slowly sits back in his chair. “Well next time don’t get my hopes up. Damn Russians...”

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

I let my blind friend borrow money

He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...

Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down." "The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back." "The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

Did anyone see the joke I made about the chiropractor?

I posted it here about a weak back.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

Chuck Norris Joke

A priest, Jesus and Chuck Norris are on a sinking boat. Jesus starts to walk back to land. Chuck Norris does the same. The priest says "Lord, please let me walk on water", tries to walk but drowns. When Jesus and Chuck Norris got on land Jesus asked him "Shouldn't we have told him where the stones are"? And Chuck answered "Which stones"

A father and his son went outside for a walk.

The son steps on a butterfly. The father jokes : “Your going to have to eat some butter now!”

When they return back to their home, they find the kid’s mother cooking in the kitchen. She accidentally steps on a cockroach. The son says to the father : “I’ll leave you guys to it then.”

A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.

Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"

The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

Paddy got a job as a lumberjack

but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.