Back jokes

The government offered to buy back all my guns

I turned them down

I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.

Swinger

I like to tell people my wife was a bit of a swinger back in the day.

Sounds so much better than saying she hung herself.

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

A woman says to her engineer husband...

"Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

The furniture store keeps calling me back.

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.

However, he does not know the exact date. He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him: "Is today before or after the JF-"

"Before"

An Elderly Couple are at home...

An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

A man is walking past the mental hospital

through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.

My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19?

There's been two mass shootings in the past week

A billionaire is leaving his doctor's office when he gets stopped and reminded to pay

"Doctor," he says, I've decided not to pay you for your services. Instead, I'm writing you into my will. Will that suffice?"

"Of course," replies the doctor. "But can you please give me back that prescription? I need to make a small change."

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

Fatherhood

A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.

I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:

"Back in my day, it was Monday".

I went to a gender reveal party.

It wasn't quite what I thought it would be.

My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.

An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...

Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".

Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"

The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "great, now that we fixed your nose it's time to tackle that farting thing".

What did the Alabama sherriff say about the black guy with 17 bullet holes in his back?

He said it was the worse case of suicide he’s ever seen