A guy gets a call from his Doctor...
The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."
The guy says "What's the bad news?"
The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."
Little Johnny was sitting in class behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down. The teacher then asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gives Little Johnny an angry glare, turns around, and then, the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.
Today, I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor man. The joy I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket was indescribable.
My girlfriend left me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
A student goes up to his professor after class and asks him to define a dilemma. The professor says "I'll do you one better and give you a perfect example. You're laying in bed naked with a gorgeous naked girl on the right of you, and a naked gay guy on your left. Who do you turn your back to?"
I just saw my first porno...
And damn I looked good back then.
I took the wife to a disco last night.....
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."
So a guy buys a $5 hooker.....
They have sex and the next day the guys realizes he has crabs. The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund
The hooker goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"
A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..
The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."
The pilot gets ready for the flight
"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says. After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on. "Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick". Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them. While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"
A Seventh Grade Health Class
was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"
Why are women so bad at backing up their vehicles?
Because we're constantly lied to about how long 6 inches is.
I used to get sad when the leaves fell from the trees...
But then they always grew back, so that was a releaf.
Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
A man drives up to a stop sign and rolls through it.
Shortly after a cop pulls him over. The cop asks, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” The man says, “No”. The cop says, “ You ran a stop sign back there”. The man says, “OK, but I slowed down though”. The cop then asks, “Could you please step out of the vehicle, Sir?” The man gets out of his car. The cop pulls out his night stick and begins beating him. The man yells, “STOP, STOP!” The cops say, “Oh, you want me to slow down?”
A hooker goes to the doctor
She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant
"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"
"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"
A tire was talking to a hubcap after a roadtrip
The tire says "man I've had a long day." The hubcap replies "I feel you, are you exhausted?" And the tire says "no, that's the guy in the back, I'm just tired."
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."