Don't drive like my brother...
I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.
"What are you supposed to be, then?" the confused host asks.
"I'm a turtle," the man replies.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host says. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"
"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"
A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'
'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'
I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.
Because I wasn't wearing a condom.
A man walks into the doctors and says he has something wrong with his penis...
... the doctor says “Ok, take off your clothes so I can do an examination”
The man does as he says and the doctor examines his penis
The doctor says “Sir, I’m afraid you need to stop masturbating”
The man says “Why?”
The doctor says “Because I need to do the examination”
A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....
"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"
A little girl comes home with $20
And runs straight to her mum
"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"
The next day the girl comes home with $50
"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"
The girl responded
"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"
What's the difference between an art student and a park bench?
A bench can support a family.
A woman asks her doctor if she can get pregnant from anal sex
He answers, "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:
Drink a whiskey drink
Drink a vodka drink
Drink a lager drink
Drink a cider drink
Sing the songs that remind you of the good times
Sing the songs that remind you of the better times
Something you can say at a drive through window and during sex? Il go first
It’s ok i will come inside..
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
Jane ate her friend's lunch.
Jane ate her friend's colon.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt.
The bartender asks, “What can I get for ya?”
The man says, “A beer for me, and another for the road.”
A man is being examined by his doctor
The doctor starts looking very concerned.
The man asks, "Doctor, what's wrong?"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but you can no longer masturbate."
The man with a tear in his eye asks, "Doctor, why?"
The doctor replies, "Because, I'm trying to examine you."
It was my birthday...
Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.
An Anteater walks into a bar....
Bartender says "can I get you a drink"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo"
Frazzled, the bartender says "What's with the long no's"?
Anteater replies "I was born with it".
A man tells a Rabbi that he has the desire to live forever. "What can I do?"
The Rabbi said: "Go and get married."
"Will I then live forever?" the man asked.
"No, but the desire does go away".
I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life
I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
**Wife:** whatever means necessary.
**Me:** No it doesn't.
