A Soviet citizen turns on the TV
On the first channel, Brezhnev is delivering a speech. The man switches to the second channel: Brezhnev again. Channel three: still Brezhnev. He turns to the fourth channel, and it’s showing a KGB colonel who shakes his fist and warns: "You’d better stop changing channels..."
Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.
All I had to do was watch him jack it.
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"
"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."
"Why the two dogs?"
"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"
A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”
A LADY lost her handbag..
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”
The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
How many people does it take to change a light bulb?
One, me, I'm the only fucker that seems to do anything round here
A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'
'yup'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'
'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'
'yup'
'Wow, can't turn that down.'
I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z...
My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!" I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"
How many dead lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
More than 6, because my attic is still dark. Very dark.
A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..
He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"
If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days
just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.
My chameleon couldn’t change colors, so I took him to the vet...
Poor guy was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.
A billionaire is leaving his doctor's office when he gets stopped and reminded to pay
"Doctor," he says, I've decided not to pay you for your services. Instead, I'm writing you into my will. Will that suffice?"
"Of course," replies the doctor. "But can you please give me back that prescription? I need to make a small change."
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control
I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"