Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day
Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?
Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace
Poor man - why a necklace ?
Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?
Poor man - a pair of slippers and a dildo
Rich man - why a dildo?
Poor man - so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
A kindergarten teacher is teaching her class about animals...
She would hold ip a picture of the animal and the class would cry out in unison.
COW!
SHEEP!
When the teacher got to the deer the class was clueless.
"It has horns" She said
But the class was silent
"Sometimes your mom calls your dad this animal"
Little timmy throws his hands up and shouts, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?!"
Welcome to invisibility class.
I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 911 documentary.
Teacher: "Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up." Class: no one stands up Teacher: "Oh, come on. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room." Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: "Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb?" Little Johnny: "No, I just feel bad you're standing alone."
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?" The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."
Little Johnny was sitting in class behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down. The teacher then asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gives Little Johnny an angry glare, turns around, and then, the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.
My son was thrown out of school for the third time this year for letting a girl in his class jerk him off
Im starting to think that maybe teaching isn't for him.
A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said
I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said,
"Well, show me your pocket than."
"What for?" I asked
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"
A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days.
"I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said.
"Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America."
"No one does. That's how it survives."
Osama Bin Laden’s son comes home from school crying...
He asks him: “What’s wrong son, what happened?”
“The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong.”
“Why, what did you answer?”
“The Empire State Building.”
“Don’t worry son, daddy will take care of it.”
In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....
I should mind my own bismuth.
On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.' "
A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..
Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.
Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"
He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."
Best Computer Science Joke!
A man and woman are in a computer programming lecture. The man touches the woman's breasts. "Hey!" she says. "Those are private!" The man says, "But we're in the same class!"
Larry at the police station
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Student walks into professor's office
She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"
The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"
"I'd do *anything*," she answers coyly, playing with her hair.
"Anything?"
"*Anything*!" she repeats with a knowing grin.
"Would you....study?"
The pretty teacher was concerned with
one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
I think I'm failing my marine biology class
My grade is below C level.