A student goes up to his professor after class and asks him to define a dilemma. The professor says "I'll do you one better and give you a perfect example. You're laying in bed naked with a gorgeous naked girl on the right of you, and a naked gay guy on your left. Who do you turn your back to?"
A Seventh Grade Health Class
was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"
Extreme Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
Creative Writing
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, mystery.
The prize winning essay read: "My God!" said the Queen. "I am pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Baby are you communist?
Because there is an uprising in my lower class
Friend: I got kicked out of math class today.
Me: Why? Friend: Turns out mouthwash doesn't come after 69.
A linguistics professor
... was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."
My friend said she teaches circuit training classes..
I'll bet she's the driving force behind her students' motivation.
What’s considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?
Manipulating the stock market
A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.
"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"
“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.
“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"
What did the mermaid wear to her math class?
An algae bra.
The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart
But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky
A Texan got accepted to Harvard
A week before classes started, he decided to tour the campus to see where everything was. After a while he got lost, so he went up to a professor and asked "Do you know where the library's at?"
The professor replies, "Sorry, here at Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions."
After a few seconds of thinking, the Texan asks, "Where's the library at, asshole?"
What did the son reply when his mother asked if he needed a drive to his yoga class?
"Nah, ma, stay"
"I'll do ANYTHING for an "A" in this class!"
"ANYTHING?!?" the professor asked.
"Yes," she said, "ANYTHING!"
"Will you . . . . study?"
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.
A mean teacher wanted to show his class he meant business.
So he asked, "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up." After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" Inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
I was in sex education class ..
...when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, "What is this called?"
I put my hand up and answered, "That's a pussy, Miss Stevens."
She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Give me a medical term, please."
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "That's a pussy, Doctor Stevens."