Confusion jokes

A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"

The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"

A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.

The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”

The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.”

The owner is shocked and confused: “Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?”

The man replied: “I’m trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.”

Joe was standing in line at the bank...

... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.

The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".

In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you out.

The man looks at him and says: Yea? I'm a lawyer, you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me!

My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared. So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex. When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused: "So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" the confused host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a load of rubbish!" the host says. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.” Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.” He was right, I did laugh.

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

An Englishman is sitting on a train when he overhears a loud conversation between two Italians...

First, Emma cum, then I cum... then two asses, they come together, then I cum again. Then the two asses, they come together again, then I cum... pee twice, then I cum again!

“Excuse me” says the Englishman. “In this country it’s very inappropriate to be talking about sex in public like that!”

The Italian guy is confused “what sex? I’m telling my friend how to spell a Mississippi!”

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...

And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs. "Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "Bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun." And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork." The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!"

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look confused and ask, “Why do you want to be a boxer?” He proudly replies, “So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.”

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

My wife just walked in on me blow drying my penis, she looked confused and asked me what I was doing. I now know heating your dinner isn't the right answer

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion

Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich. The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kindest, skinniest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings. The man replys ma'am you don't understand me...I'm homesick.