Dog jokes

I went to a zoo but the only animal it had was one dog

It was a shih tzu

I ran over Five Miles this morning

Looking back, Five Miles is a terrible name for a dog.

Why don't blind people go for bungee jumping?

it scares the shit out of the dogs.

My dad can do all the same tricks that my dog can.

Except for stay.

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..

First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.

In America police dogs are K9

In China they are E10.

Laughing Dog

A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it. When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said: " I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film. "So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

What is the difference between a man and a dog?

A man wears a suit and the dog, pants.

So the cops caught me doing doughnuts in my car today.

I know what you're thinking. Who the hell names their dog doughnuts

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

how do you know asians have broken into your home?

the dog is gone, the homework is done and they're still trying to get out of the driveway

In Tribute

Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talk

Man: you're on

Boy: how does sandpaper feel?

Dog: Ruff!

Boy: what's on top of a house?

Dog: Roof!

Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?

Dog: Ruth!

Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of here!

* Boy and dog walk away *

Dog to boy: should I have said Hank Aaron?

A man went to confess to the priest

"Father, I've stolen someone's dog. But I don't want it now. Can I give it to you?"

"No, son, I don't want it. You should return the dog to the owner."

"I did. But he said he doesn't want it."

"Well...Then I think you should keep the dog."

That night, the priest went back home and found his precious dog stolen.

(Translated from Chinese)

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a Saint.

Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.

Two economists are walking in the park.

The first economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the other, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50. Later on, the second economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the first, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that pile of dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50.

The first economist says, "I can't help but feel we just ate dog shit for nothing." "Nonsense," says the second economist, "We just contributed $100 to the economy."

What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?

Sparky

So a cop knocked on my door this morning.

He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'