Dog jokes

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

I named my first dog "What".

Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."

Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike.

What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice

*No they don't, oh no they don't*

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But catscan

My mate Paddy called me last night.

He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."

"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"

He said, "I'm not selling them."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "If they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"

Pavlov walks into a bar

As he opens the door the bell rings. "Oh shit!" Yells Pavlov, "I forgot to feed my dogs!"

Momma always said police are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

It's sad how families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Where do dogs go when their tail falls off?

The retail store

As a farmer, I love telling my dog sheep jokes,

But he'd herd them all.

A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”.

I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

what do you call an underwater dog?

a sub-woofer

I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "nevermind"

When I was a kid...

... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.

Dog walks into a telegraph office...

Says he wants to send a message.

"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".

Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense.."

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic ?

Someone who lies awake at night, wondering if there's a dog.