Dying jokes

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually from an overdose."

I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber, and I'm not gonna die the same way.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

My cousin died last week; he needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

Why didn’t the antivaxx kid get any upvotes.

Because he died in new.

He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

The carpenter who was nailed to some wood

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A blond is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died from Coronavirus.

She cried and asked, "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"

Why are there no fat people in Japan?

Last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout but dies when you swat them with a newspaper...

Shows how toxic our media is...

Her: I hope we die on the same day

Him: Why do you hate me, grandma?

This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;

First my grandma died and now this;

A man found a genie lamp

When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules.

Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.

Man: I wish to not die a virgin

Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at Disney World

Also, I don't want to be cremated

Teenage sex

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

The guy who invented Velcro died

RIP

If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 Ball you can tell the future..

My friend Keith did it once and then said he was gonna die, and he did

I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died

In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"