Dying jokes

Tim, the 68-year old virgin died yesterday.

He never got to 69.

Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Some sad news from Australia...

the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advisors, “How many is a ‘brazillion?’”

My grandfather died at auschwitz

He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.

Kamikaze

It's a dying art

Putin dies and goes to hell

After a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he decides to visit Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin finishes his drink, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros

I hear the inventor of auto correct died

I didn't even know he was I'll

You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins

Just be a catholic priest

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umbrella against the leopard and tries to shoot. A loud bang is heard and the leopard dies on the spot.

Old man: That's impossible, somebody else must have shot the leopard!

Doctor: Exactly my point!

I’ve always had bad luck with women.

My first wife died and now my second wife won’t.

So everyone knows why 6 is afraid of 7. Can you answer this, How did 10 die?

It was trapped in the middle of 9-11

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

Steve Irwin died as he lived.

With animals in his heart.

The Guy who stole my diary died

Now my thoughts are with his family

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.

My hamster died today.

He fell asleep at the wheel.