Dying

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"

Husband and wife

A husband and wife were setting a password for their joint twitter account.

The husband types 'My Penis'

The wife dies laughing on the floor when it says 'Not long enough'

Afraid to die alone?

Become a bus driver.

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."

"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."

"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.

"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident today...

Apparently some dick cut her off.

The guy who invented USB died...

At the funeral they had to do a 180 with his coffin to get it in the hole.

The Supreme Court has changed dramatically since Justice Ginsberg died.

It has become Ruth less.

I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die"

I was surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.

A gamer dies and goes to hell...

After one week, the devil goes to God:

\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"

Interviewer: Why did you become a pilot?

Pilot: To overcome my biggest fear.

Interviewer: Heights?

Pilot: Dying Alone.

My grief counsellor just died

Luckily he was good so I don’t give a shit

A joke is like a frog

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.

What happens when a Buddhist cowboy dies?

Reintarnation

Dead Again

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846. JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860. JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.

--- Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged

Where do muslims go when they die?

Everywhere.

When you die, what part of the body dies last?

The pupils...they dilate.

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

**I was talking to my girlfriend the other day about reincarnation.**

She asked "what actually is reincarnation?"

I said to her, "well, its when you die and come back as something completely different."

"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed!!

I said, "you"re not listening are you.....?

My parrot died today...

His last words were

“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”

A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk

He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"

Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."

The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from the church.

The little boy responds "No need to fetch him, sex won't help this any."

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”