Finger jokes

I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look...

... I knew I was in hot water.

Hit by a fastball

A man walks into his kitchen with his hands between his legs and a pained expression on his face. "what happened darling?" says his wife. "I got hit with a fastball at practice" he replies. "Oh you poor man, come here and i'll massage it better". So she pulls out his penis and begins to massage with various scented oils. "how's that my darling, are you feeling better?" The man examines his bruised finger and says: "That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."

What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frog's finger.

A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

A wizard doesn't finger his wife...

Elixir

A lady went into a sex shop and asked the attendant: "My good man, do you sell vibrators?"

"Yes," was the reply. "Come this way," he gestured, moving his finger.

"If I could come that way I wouldn't need the damn vibrator!"

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

A roman guy walks into a bar, lifts two fingers and says:

"I'll take five beers"

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this June!”

I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

Teacher: "Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up." Class: no one stands up Teacher: "Oh, come on. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room." Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: "Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb?" Little Johnny: "No, I just feel bad you're standing alone."

Don't wait until your deathbed

to tell people how you really feel. You might be too weak to raise your middle finger by then.

If a ring for a toe is a toe ring...

Then shouldn't a ring for a finger be a *fingering*

Did you hear about the woman with amnesia who tried to masturbate?

She almost remembered how, but couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

I broke all my fingers on one hand..

On the other hand, I'm fine.

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, my fingers because I can always count on them, my head for staying on top of things, my nuts for hanging in there, and my dick for standing up for me.

what do you get when you finger a gypsy on her period?

Your palm red

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Same time next month (with finger guns)