Fortune jokes

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello."

At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed...

99.9% of people are idiots

Fortunately, I belong in the 1% of intelligent people

penny scales

A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.

"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.” Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.” He was right, I did laugh.

I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction

On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.

Fortune Teller

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl named Penny - is that spooky or what?

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.

My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.

"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."

"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"

"Two-thirty."

News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said

Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day 2. I run for an hour before breakfast 3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up. 4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something. 5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it. 6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company. 7. I meditate every day