My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this June!”
I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!
I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"
I guess I had facial recognition turned on
My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.
I guess she Ransomware..
After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard
I guess you could say I came to my senses
"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,
"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."
I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt suicide, guess what? I failed.
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.
I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
When I was young, at bedtimes...
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.
He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."
I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.
I guess that’s the price of inflation
TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween..
guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors
I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.
Guess I came a little too early.
Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!
Then again...
I guess that's just how childbirth works.
Job Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I guess my biggest weakness is I am not always a good listener
A kid is selling lemonade...
The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade. "25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢... Maybe lemonade stands aren’t your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.
When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
My neighbor just got arrested for growing pot plants
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.
No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.
I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction
I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.
I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.
I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on this crossword clue “Overworked Postman”— can you help?”
She said, “Sure. How many letters?”
Me: I’m guessing—- Too many.