An Atheist...
Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."
The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."
God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."
The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."
Went to buy a lighter on Amazon,
when I searched, it said, "4.2 million matches found!" Guess I'll have to go to the store.
Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. Nobody would laugh, but then immediately after Neil would follow up with, "Ah well, I guess you had to be there."
My friend was just crushed by a bunch of books!
I guess he only has his shelf to blame
Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Door mum
Door mum who?
I've come to bargain
A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.
He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.
The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!
Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".
Why does MLK only get one day, while sharks get an entire week?
I guess it's because they're great whites...
Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...
Guess I really am... Independent!
I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.
after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".
I guess i have a nice butt
Because everytime i walk away from a conversation i hear, " what an ass ".
Ugh. They stopped selling "skin color" Crayons.
I guess I can still draw people when my Crayons run out, but albino more.
A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..
He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"
Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?
I guess someone made a hole in Juan.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.
If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.
I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.
When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...
...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me
So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(
For an old man's 98th birthday,
his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Grampa says "Since I aint had a hard on in 10 yrs, I guess I'll have to settle for the soup"
Prostitute Joke.
Man : How much for a blowjob?
Prostitute : Ummm $20
Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess I am your favourite.
Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.
A holocaust survivor dies of old age. When she goes to heaven she tells god a holocaust joke.
God responds “I don’t find that funny”
The survivor replies “I guess you had to be there”
Courtesy of Ricky Gervais in “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”