A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
‟It is simple” billionaire boasts.... ‟I faked my age”
‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you’re?” A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds ‟85 years old”
The guy who invented Velcro died
RIP
A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name
The judge asks him: "What's your name?"
John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge
The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"
"Mark Asshole"
A drunk guy enters a taxicab...
\- Take us to the...
\- ”Us”? Which ”us”, you're alone!?
Drunk guy looks at him, somewhat bewildered:
\- Wh-what, are you saying you ain't going?
3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex
They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.
Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”
Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”
Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”
Fancy Dress Party tonight. Going as a masturbating guy with Leprosy
Hope I can pull it off.
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues
Then look no father
Guy walks into a bar
And orders 6 shots, and drinks them one after the other
Bartender says "what's the occasion?"
Guy says " my first blowjob"
Bartender "in that case let me buy you another"
Guy " if the first 6 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another would help"
I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So i asked them if they were gay.
They promptly arrested me
A father and his son went outside for a walk.
The son steps on a butterfly. The father jokes : “Your going to have to eat some butter now!”
When they return back to their home, they find the kid’s mother cooking in the kitchen. She accidentally steps on a cockroach. The son says to the father : “I’ll leave you guys to it then.”
A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
What's Vlad the Impaler's favorite joke?
So this bar goes into a guy...
My favourite lawyer joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all lawyers are assholes.' A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!' 'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies. 'No I'm an asshole!'
Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Doorbell repair guy.
I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...
He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.
First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"
Bartender says "Three feet tall."
Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
At the gym
I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.