A guy gets a call from his Doctor...
The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."
The guy says "What's the bad news?"
The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks
. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."
A young boy runs into the house and excited shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.
Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked. Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.
I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...
The rich guy, making small talk, goes
"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"
The poor guy goes:
"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the pantyhose, she can go fuck herself."
(Thanks Dad.)
A student goes up to his professor after class and asks him to define a dilemma. The professor says "I'll do you one better and give you a perfect example. You're laying in bed naked with a gorgeous naked girl on the right of you, and a naked gay guy on your left. Who do you turn your back to?"
tattoo of a $100 bil
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder
I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .
I saw a guy getting jumped by 4 people so I decided to step in and help...
That guy stood no chance against the 5 of us.
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? "
He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
I took the wife to a disco last night.....
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"
I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.
She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.
A nights work...
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.
She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I’ve got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the sex worker slowly. "Paint...my....house."
So a guy buys a $5 hooker.....
They have sex and the next day the guys realizes he has crabs. The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund
The hooker goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"
I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.
'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'
A guy walks into a bookstore and asks for a book on Pavlov and Schrodinger.
The book keeper says it rings a bell but he doesn't know if it is there or not.
How many gynecologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I'm asking because mine had to call like six other guys in to help him, and I'm really starting to wonder why I needed one installed down there in the first place.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.
He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.
To the handicapped guy who stole my bag
You can hide but you can't run
“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.
Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?