A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.
Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.
The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”
A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.
They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.
One sign read "The End is Near!"
The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"
He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.
He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.
One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"
Yo momma is so fat....
That I pictured her in my head and that bitch broke my neck...
Blowjobs do not relieve headaches
The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..." So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.
What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?
"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"
"Welcome. We're glad to have you"
A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
An ambulance
A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.
The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.
Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.
After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advisors, “How many is a ‘brazillion?’”
First dirty joke an adult ever told me, what's yours?
A pelican spots a frog in a marsh and swallows him whole. The pelican flies off and reaches a great height. Suddenly the frog pokes his head out of the pelicans butt and yells out to the pelican "Hey,how high are we right now?", the pelican replies "About 100 meters.", to which the frog nervously replies "Are you shitting me?"
What's it called when an Asian man gives his best friend head?
A bro job.
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses." -
A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.
Smiling, the Scotsman smoothed out his kilt and turned to the Newfie. "Go on," he said, "It's your turn."
"Okay!" said the Newfie, and stuck his head in the fence.
Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album
The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."
Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.
Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
Beer
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
Dangerous trick
Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!
Than guy asks the audience: if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!
Girl stands up and says: "I'll do it, just don't hit me on the head!!!!"
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, my fingers because I can always count on them, my head for staying on top of things, my nuts for hanging in there, and my dick for standing up for me.