Hearing jokes

Two cows are standing in a barn.

Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?

Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?

Now it is Times New Ramen

Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....

with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing

"I need to dry clean my dress"

The owner cups his hand next to his ear

"come again"

"No it's ketchup this time"

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I heard the titanic got a new job...

She sells sea shells down by the sea floor.

I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.

I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.

He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.

"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."

"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"

"Two-thirty."

I hear the inventor of auto correct died

I didn't even know he was I'll

I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa

A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?

Now he's a branch manager.

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny chick with big blue hair."

Laughing Dog

A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it. When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said: " I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film. "So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"

A politician visited a village in India

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.”

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.