I jokes

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?!” I cried.

“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.

And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.

My brother wanted to share his original joke with you guys so here we go...

You guys wanna see my invisible jet, well you can’t

I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"

We opened for The Doors

If FemDom is enjoying being dominated by women...

Is wisdom enjoying being dominated by Wizards?

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Two atoms were walking down the street.

One of them said, "I lost an electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" and the first one said, "I'm positive!"

The person who invented autocorrect died recently.

May he roast in piss.

Why are there gingerbread men but not gingerbread women?

It's the pastryarchy.

I was in sex education class ..

...when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, "What is this called?"

I put my hand up and answered, "That's a pussy, Miss Stevens."

She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Give me a medical term, please."

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "That's a pussy, Doctor Stevens."

Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

When a woman buys a vibrator it's seen as a bit of naughty fun

But when a guy orders a 240 volt fuckmaster pro 5000 latex doll with high speed pulsating pussy, elasticised anus with non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm sound system, he gets called a pervert.

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'

I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not.

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

Why aren't there many jokes about Jonestown?

The *punchlines* are so long.

Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day

Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?

Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace

Poor man - why a necklace ?

Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?

Poor man - a pair of slippers and a dildo

Rich man - why a dildo?

Poor man - so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice!

Except Chris Brown

Breaking news: Cartoonist found dead in his own home.

The details were sketchy.

Boy: Dad, look! I got a new Xbox!

Dad: Wow! Where did you get it?

Boy: I won it in a race.

Dad: Nice! How many people were there?

Boy: Ummm . . . two others

Dad: Who were they?

Boy: Ummm . . . I don’t remember

Dad: C’mon. You must remember one of them

Boy: Well, there was me . . .

Dad: And . . .?

Boy: The store owner and the police