I jokes

I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 911 documentary.

Mama Mia’s pizzeria and abortion clinic: Your loss is our sauce.

There is an upside to being an orphan... every bag of chips is family size.

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Profits are going through the roof.

Covid-19 stopped mass shootings faster than the government.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My mom asks me to stop making jokes about suicide. I answer: "Don’t worry...I'll stop soon."

"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!" In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I’m scared." Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

There are five cows on a farm: one mama cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well, honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because, honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replies, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

What's the difference between Chris Brown and Santa? Santa stops at 3 hoes.

I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.

Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle—except my depression.

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed. It completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.