A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?
What type of flour do you buy an orphan?
Self-raising.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!"
It's sad how families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
My family is like a cactus: a bunch of pricks.
Do you know a way to really freak out someone who works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
When you use Ancestry.com instead of Tinder.
I told the doctor I didn’t want brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt suicide, guess what? I failed.
Without women, sex would be a pain in the ass.
Teacher: "Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up."
Class: no one stands up
Teacher: "Oh, come on. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room."
Little Johnny: stands up
Teacher: "Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb?"
Little Johnny: "No, I just feel bad you're standing alone."
Other girls be like "I want a 6ft guy," meanwhile I want to be 6ft under.
The colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
I got a PS5 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.
