I jokes

Who’s the fastest reader? Me, 'cause I’ll be jumping off so many stories.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Because it's a family company.

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Dark humor is a lot like food. Not everyone gets it.

Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He's a suicide bomber.

What did the rope say to me?

"Hey there, man, you wanna hang later?"

How do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?

You flip it over.

How do you start a rave? Throw a flashbang into an epileptic children's ward.

What do you call an orphan's family reunion?

Me time.

You must be depression because you make me want to kill myself ;)

Grandpa: You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table. Me: And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school.

I saw an ISIS video, and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

Wives are like grenades... Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licks his cone and replies:

"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"