I jokes

How are KFC and women alike?

After the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

An alcoholic wakes up in jail

He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"

the officer replies "for drinking"

The man replies "great, when do we start?"

I come from a family of failed magicians

I have 2 half sisters

A snake walks in to a bar...

Barman says "you can't do that"!

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder...

An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”

I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, “Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?”

She replied, “I only like the chocolate around them.”

My favorite sex position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there

Why do orphans go to church? Because they can finally call someone father.

Why can't orphans go on school field trips?

Parent Signature: _______

Girl: "Come over." Orphan: "I can’t." Girl: "My parents aren’t home ;)" Orphan: "Oh, cool, something we have in common."

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Because it's a family company.