Fishing secret
A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret.
"What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long."
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says.
"What??"
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm"
"I’m sorry, I just can't understand you."
"Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand.
"You've got to keep the worms warm."
A pig that can speak French
A circus advertises a new act: a pig that can speak French. A trainer walks onto the stage carrying a small pig with a blue ribbon and a wooden mallet. The trainer asks, "Parlez-vous français?" and hits the pig with the mallet. The pig: "Ouiiii..."
My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...
A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.
The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right breast once, sound good?”. The husband agrees, and picks up the pen, “If you want to have sex with me, pull my dick once, if you don’t want to have sex with me pull my dick 1,345 times, sound good?”.
Never accept tea offered by the Russian President
You don ́t know what Vladimir Putin.
Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."
Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."
"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Melania's."
Rorschach
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
I farted in my church’s confession booth
I said to the priest, “Forgive me father, for I have wind.”
Why did the blind man fall into a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well...
Why can't kids watch the orchestra?
To much sax and violins
One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”
And thus the giraffe was born.
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist?
At some point in it’s life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.
For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count.
Why do cellular biologists always disagree with mathematicians?
Because to them dividing and multiplying are the same
My son made it through a blood transfusion, so I bought him a 50′′ HDTV...
He loves his new plasma...
What did Zelda suggest to Link when diplomacy didn't work?
Try-force
Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.
I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
My doctor tried treating me with ygolohcysp
But reverse psychology doesn't work on me
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
