Job jokes

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!

Got fired from work for drinking on the job

They're strict about that sort of thing at the sperm bank.

Two morticians meet in a bar...

...and talk about their jobs. The first mortician says to the other: "Today I got a woman who had a clitoris like a pickled cucumber". the other one asks: "What, so big?" "No," says the first, "so salty!"

They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway...

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?

She knows she's given her last blow job.

I got a new job at the zoo, circumcising elephants.

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

Five Important Qualities

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

My girlfriend just freaked me out...

she gave me a blow job but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.Fucking weird and gross. I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?

My girlfriend really wants me to quit my job. She says that it is cruel that we do product testing on animals.

We’ve argued back and forth for months, and it is a very tough decision for me since I don’t have a formal education. Every day I come home from work, she becomes more and more distant. I also just got a 20% raise, and will finally be able to give my future family the life they deserve. Last night she gave me an ultimatum, her or my job.

What should I do? I love my girlfriend, but I also love my job at the hammer factory.

Trump and Putin are sitting in Putin's office discussing how powerful they are.

Putin says "Watch this." He picks up the phone and says something in Russian.

A beautiful woman walks in the room, kneels in front of Putin and begins giving him a blow job.

Minutes pass, and Putin finishes. He gives the woman a tap on the head, and she stands up and walks out of the room.

Looking back at Trump, Putin asks "Do you want to try?"

Trump replies "Yeah, but please dont tap me on the head when you're done."