Job jokes

“Ever since she lost her job, my wife’s identical twin sister is living with us until she gets on her feet”

I told my friend.

He asked “just want to know , how do you tell them apart ?”

“ why should I ?”

A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.

The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”

The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.”

The owner is shocked and confused: “Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?”

The man replied: “I’m trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.”

I got fired from my job at Planned Parenthood

My boss didn’t like me saying “Takeout or delivery?” whenever someone walked in the door

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

I absolutely hate my job at the can crushing facility.

It's soda pressing.

I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a cock like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

What do you call it when someone gets their whole face tattooed?

An everlasting job stopper.

I had a job interview yesterday, I poured myself a glass of water and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%."

What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?

This place is 5k from a school, right?

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

I got fired on the first day of my new job at the hospital

Apparently telling all the COVID patients to stay positive is not a good thing.

At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years.

Ok, I'll be back in two years.

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.

Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.

I went for a job interview today to work for a blacksmith

He asked if I had any experience in shoeing a horse?

I said ”No! But I once told a donkey to fuck off!”

I got fired from my job assembling Tickle me Elmos

I misunderstood what they meant when they said I was supposed to give each one “two test tickles”

What do spiders do for a job?

Web development

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.