Job jokes

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

At the job interview...

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in three years?

Me: Sorry, I don't have 2020 vision

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

My dad said "Always leave them wanting more."

That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.

Did you hear about the paperboy who masturbated on the job?

It was all over the news!

(Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

Why did the King take a second job as a bartender?

When it reigns it pours.

Hank Hill got a job working in a BDSM store.

He sells pro-pain and pro-pain accessories.

I had to quit my job as a gay pornstar...

....It was such a pain in the ass

I gave my seat up to a blind person on a bus

And that is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

The Job Interview

Me: "Time travel"

Potential Employer: "What would you say is your greatest stre-WHAT THE FUCK?!?

So I got fired from my job last night for being a 'Pervert'

I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work...

If you ever feel your job is pointless.

Just remember: there is some bloke in Germany putting indicators on BMWs

I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...

...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

Why did Steve Jobs die?

Because Apple kept the doctors away.